Every single minute detail of that day is forever etched in my memory. The heart-stopping terror. The burning tears. Begging on my knees for God to somehow stop what was happening.
The next day, I listened to a song called These Times, by SafetySuit. I’d heard the song before (Josh really liked it), but after May 5th, it took on a whole new meaning for me.
These times will try hard to define me
And I'll try to hold my head up high
But I've seen despair here from the inside
And it's got a one track mind
And I have this feeling in my gut now
And I don't know what it is I'll find
Does anybody ever feel like,
You're always one step behind?
Now I'm sitting alone here in my bed
I'm waiting for an answer I don't know that I'll get
I cannot stand to look in the mirror
I'm telling you these times are hard
That song still makes me cry. Those words take me back to that day – curled up in my parent’s bed, crying, praying, waiting. Waiting for some kind of news. It was at nine o’clock that they called off the search. Nine thirty that my mom hugged me and whispered “He’s gone.”
That day, God began an amazing work in me. I feel like a different person than I was nine months ago. He has shown me His infinite grace and His everlasting love. He has forgiven me, far more than I could ever deserve. He continues to shower me with blessings, revealing Himself to me in ways that I couldn’t have imagined. God is so good.
It’s not easy. It feels like God is taking me apart piece by piece, showing me what needs changing in my life. And it hurts. But I know that God is shaping me into the woman He wants me to be. I still have a long way to go, but the very fact that I’m on that road excites me.
I miss my brother. With all my heart, I want to see him again. But I know that all that is happening is according to God’s will. Josh’s life has made an impact on so many hundreds of lives… including mine. I am so thankful for the life he lived and the legacy that he left behind.
....I'm telling you these times are hard
But they will pass.