Sunday, October 21, 2012

You Love Me Anyway

            My self-esteem as been at an all-time low these past five months. I’ve been angry with myself, frustrated with my failures, missing Josh, and just overall depressed. Not very fun.
            And I just can’t understand why people like me. That probably sounds really stupid, but it’s true. People tell me they love me, and I’m like, You love me? I can’t find anything in myself that’s even likable, much less lovable. People tell me I’m beautiful, and I go look in the mirror and try to find what they see. Still haven’t found it.
            We look at ourselves differently then other people look at us. When I look at myself, I see everything – the good, the bad, and the ugly. Other people only see what I show – which usually isn’t the bad or ugly (and any good I have isn't my own - it's God's). There are some people to whom I’ve been able to share most everything (awesome ones, you know who you are. I LOVE YOU!!).
            While musing over the words above, another thought popped into my head.
            God loves me.
            God loves me – even though he sees all the filth, all the sin, all the ugliness in my life…He still loves me. Wholly and unconditionally. He died – suffered the most brutal form of death - for me. Just the thought of it shakes me.
            Here’s an excerpt from a journal entry written on March 4th.

We had church communion today. And as I sat there, staring at the cup of grape juice, I could see Jesus – the whip lashing across his back, renting open his flesh. The blood spilling out. And as we started singing the last song, I just started crying. Tears ran down my face. Suddenly, the enormity of what He had done just dropped on me. He did it for ME. Why? WHY?! Why God? Why did you choose me? I’m absolutely nothing… I don’t understand…

            And I don’t understand this passionate, infinite love. And I never can, because I am a finite being. But when we accept and embrace God’s gift… He shares that love with us. He loves us, and gives us the power to love others. It’s such a beautiful thing.
            I would like you to go listen to this song. It’s really amazing, and encompasses what I've just written.

In closing, I would like to say that I am so thankful for all the people who love me for who I am. I know I’m not perfect, I know I make mistakes, and I know that sometimes I’ll let you down. But your love means so much to me. Thank you for all that you have invested in my life.
And thank you for telling me I’m beautiful. Because I am.
I am broken and beautiful.


  1. Riah, part of how you feel is being 15. Part is that you have been though a devastating loss. Part is a lie from the Pit. Those voices of unworthiness and discouragment are not from God. He lifts up our head and our heart and whispers His love. I share the questions "Why me? Why am I forgiven and redeemed? Why do I have blessings in my life, when I see so many who do not? Why has God not given up on me, when I would sometimes give up on myself?" I guess we'll find out those answers someday. Meanwhile, thank you for your honesty and the sharing of your heart. That takes courage and transparancy. Never, ever give up. God won't let you anyway.

  2. Wow... thank you for being such an encouragement Mariah.
    I am still praying for you! :)