{Birthday} Photo Scavenger Hunt

        As of yesterday, I joined the ranks of adulthood. Woohoo! *blows party horn*

        We celebrated my birthday this afternoon with a photo scavenger hunt. We divided into three groups and roamed Rogue River, taking pictures according to the photo list. Once we were finished, we all went to my house for dinner, then we looked through all the pictures and voted on which ones we thought were best. The team with the most winning photos won (it ended up being a tie).

        Below is the compiled list of "best" pictures, as nominated by the people. Enjoy our craziness. ;) 

1. Shaking hands and / or making a hand heart with a stranger.

2. Make a rainbow

3. Find "Mariah" 

4. Profound advice

5. Something sparkly

6. Laughter

7. Ice cream

8. Forced perspective

9. Rule of thirds

10. This is uuuuugly

11. I don't know how to use this

12. This artwork makes me feel so emotional

13. Uh-oh

14. Bear hug

15. An epic duel

16. Dancing with a stuffed animal

17. Railroad tracks

18. A shadow picture

19. A typo

20. A reflection

21. Crime scene

22. I can't believe we all fit in here

23. Imitating a picture from a book

24. Modeling

25. Midair

26. Family dynamic

27. Music

28. Summer

29. Crossing the street

30. On a park bench

31. Obey the sign

32. Searching

33. On a bridge

34. Piggy back race. This is a screenshot from the video (I won ;).

35. Video of a team member(s) singing a cheesy love song (screenshot).

~Riah

May 5th

        Today is the third anniversary of Josh's death. And to be quite honest with you, I don't have anything new to say.
        Josh is still gone, and we still miss him. It still hurts, and we still cry. The memories are still fresh, and yeah, they still hurt. Every day is another day in which he is absent.
        And yet each day brings us closer to seeing him again... And that is a beautiful thing.
        We still trust and serve a good God, and He still showers us with His peace and love. We are still broken, but He is still drawing us nearer to Himself.

        This road is still difficult, but He still is, and always will be, faithful.

        Soli Deo Gloria. 

Rainie Falls: May 5th, 2015
My brother Caleb hiked the trail today in honor of the 3rd anniversary.

"The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away. Blessed by the name of the Lord."

-Job 1:21b

~Riah

Onward & Upward

It has been a long time since I’ve had a severe bout of depression. I’ve had bad days and bad weeks, but it’s been about six months since my depression was really terrible.
But while I haven’t been ‘bad’, I haven’t really been good either. Once again, I’ve had good days and good weeks, but ‘good’ is not the word I would use to describe my mental / emotional state overall.
I’ve been drifting along somewhere in the middle, taking what each day brings me – happy, content, hurting, or fearful - but not exploring my feelings too deeply. Overthinking never works in my favor.
I hate this place of listlessness. Of not doing, not thinking, not feeling, not trying... I don’t like feeling like I’m wasting time. My hands are fidgety with the desire to do something, my mind is aching for a spark of creativity. The air has long since grown stale where I am, but there is one thing keeping me here. One thing holding me back from truly living.
That thing is fear.
‘Good’ scares me. ‘Happy’ scares me. Genuinely ‘okay’ scares me.
Because as soon as I realize that I’m doing pretty good, I slip. And the higher I’ve climbed, the harder I fall.
Maybe this sounds silly to you. Or perhaps you understand. It is a ridiculous fear – to be afraid of being happy because it means that you can be just the opposite. It’s like being afraid to love because loving gives someone the power to hurt you.
It makes you vulnerable.
Imagine that you are in imminent danger. You see a ladder near at hand and, that being your only way of escape, begin climbing, despite your deep fear of heights. You are far too desperate to think of that now.
You climb hurriedly until you are relatively safe. You pause, breathing deeply in an attempt to slow your racing heart, silently thanking God for saving you. You close your eyes briefly...
And then you look down.
Your body goes rigid, and your grip tightens around the ladder rung. You can’t see the bottom; only a deep darkness. An ache twists through your stomach as your fear of heights sets in.
What can you do? You can’t go back down; you know what evil lies below. Up seems the only option, but you don’t trust your sweaty palms and nervous feet to get you there safely.
It appears that you have reached a stalemate. Down is dangerous, up even more so; the higher you climb, the worse it will be when you fall - and you surely will fall. So you remain where you are, balanced between the two; content with being comparatively ‘safe’, even if it isn’t where you want to be.
It’s ridiculous, but it makes sense. Our natural reaction to fear is to protect ourselves from the danger. But sometimes, protecting yourself binds you a prisoner.
I have been in some terrifyingly dark places. I have thought and felt things that I don’t ever want to experience again. I know the power of depression, and I know my weaknesses. Happiness and peace and contentment are not what I’m really afraid of. I’m afraid of obtaining those things and losing them again, only to end up in a much, much worse place.
It’s a matter of wanting to be safe. Wanting to be in some kind of control.
It’s a matter of not trusting God.
And it is so massively frustrating, because I know that He is worthy of my complete trust. I know it. Yet there is a part of me that stubbornly gropes for control, part of me that caves in to fear.
I trust Him with my head, but not my heart.
It’s a sobering and distressing thought.
You can’t talk yourself into trusting someone. To build trust, you have to what? Get to know them. And how do we get to know God? By praying and reading His word.
Oh, but I don’t have time for that. Er – okay, I technically have ‘time’, but I can’t ever seem to focus. Too tired in the morning, too tired at night; and during the afternoon is out of the question because I can’t just focus. Noisy kids, messy house, rambling thoughts, social media calling for my attention... Even when I do try to read my Bible (which I have been doing more frequently), I don’t seem to get much out of it because of my lack of concentration.
Excuses, excuses... they repulse me. When did I let myself start living so shallowly? When did I become content with complacency?
There is more to this life; I’ve tasted it. I know what it is like to be filled with peace that surpasses all understanding. I know that it is like to be filled with incomprehensible awe and desire for my Savior.
I know what it is like to know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that He loves me.
And yet I still decide to trust in myself. I still give in to my fears, rather than trusting in His faithfulness. I forget to remind myself of His grace and goodness. I am starving myself of the one thing that will truly satisfy.
        But no more.
        There is life to be lived – adventures to be had, battles to be fought, trials to be overcome, blessings to be received, joy to be experienced. He has promised us so much, if only we love and trust Him enough to keep climbing, keep pursuing Him.
He is my God. What else can I do? 

~Riah

Spring Is Coming.

        There is something intoxicating and energizing about the arrival of spring. It's as if the warmth and light of the sun are drawing out the sights and sounds and smells, heightening the fresh beauty of a new year and new life.
        I love the fragrance of spring. The sweet blossoming flowers, the fresh grass, the warm earth - combined with the smell of the wind, it creates something magical.
        But as much as I love the unfolding of this new season, it is bittersweet for me.
        Spring, particularly its scent, takes me back in time. Back to a time when I was wrapped in a dark fog, struggling to come to terms with my brother's sudden death. I spent a lot of time outside in those first weeks and months - talking to my best friend on the phone, praying, trying to make sense of what I was feeling. It was somewhere wide and open where I felt like I could breathe and think and get a grasp, albeit feeble, on the unchecked emotions that were tearing me apart inside.
        It was my haven.
        Spring is coming once again, and every breath is like a memory. The smells take me back over the months and years in an instant. And all I can say is, God is good.
        It is a bittersweet feeling; an aching smile. Remembering hurts, but the past is such a beautiful reminder of God's faithfulness and how far I've come by His grace.
        And His grace will carry me home.

Spring is coming

And all we've been hoping and longing for soon will appear

Spring is coming, Spring is coming

And it won't be long now, it's just about here

~Spring Is Coming {Steven Curtis Chapman}

~Riah

Not "Just Another One"

A few weeks ago, I was chatting with a girl online who said she was contemplating suicide. I tried to reach out to her by sharing some of my own experiences with depression so that she would know that I really did understand some of what she was going through. Naturally God came up in the conversation, and while she wasn’t a Christian, she didn’t disbelieve in the existence of God or a god.
She wanted to know why she was suffering. Why God, who supposedly loved her, wasn’t saving her from this bad situation. If God was really all-loving and all-powerful, then there wouldn’t be evil and suffering in the world, and she wouldn’t be unloved and wanting to kill herself with no one but people on the internet to talk to. She felt unimportant and worthless.
        “I’m just another one of God’s creations.”
We talked for a while after that, but those words stuck with me. Just that one sentence carried so much hurt. I’m just another one of God’s creations. I don’t really matter; He doesn’t care about me in particular. I’m just another one of His little toys, put on this earth to live and to suffer. What do I matter?
I wish that I could have made her understand just how treasured she is.
There is no ‘just’ about it. God created every person with purpose; He didn’t toss in a few extra thousand to act as fillers. He crafted each and every person, “fearfully and wonderfully”, and has a plan for them.
I don’t know if this girl, Zara, is alive right now. I haven’t heard from her since that day. I don’t know if my words made a difference – and I probably never will. But I pray that they did. I pray that God opened her eyes to see Him and her heart to receive His love.

Whoever you are, whatever stage of life you might be in, never forget this: You are not “just another one”. You were made carefully, lovingly, with purpose. God has neither forgotten nor forsaken you. Take heart.

~Riah

Jesus Loves Me

        The past few weeks, I've just been gliding by. Thoughts and feelings were kept shallow, struggles and uncertainties swept under the rug. The hours of the day slipped by unused while I remained wrapped up in my own little self. 

        I was tired. Tired of trying and failing. Of making resolutions and watching them slip between my fingers like sand. Of feeling too much of what I didn't want to feel, and feeling too little of what I did want to feel. I was so tired of being stuck where I was and seemingly powerless to change it. 

        I was tired, and for just a little while, I didn't want to think, didn't want to try, didn't want to be. I just wanted to sleep for a long, long time and fix all my problems in the morning when my brain could string together a coherent thought and I had the energy to live again. 

         But on Christmas afternoon, after the gifts had been opened and the wrapping paper cleaned up and the food put away, alone in a closet with my Bible, God told me something. 

         I love you. 

         I blinked. What?

         I love you. 

         "And behold, you will conceive in your womb and bear a son, and you shall name Him Jesus." (Luke 1:31)

         I love you. 

         "While they were there, the days were completed for her to give birth. And she gave birth to her firstborn son; and she wrapped Him in cloths, and laid Him in a manger, because there was no room for them in the inn." (Luke 2:6-7)

          I love you. 

          "Father, if You are willing, remove this cup from Me; yet not My will, but Yours be done." (Luke 22:42)

          I love you. 

          "Now the men who were holding Jesus in custody were mocking Him and beating Him..." (Luke 23:46)

          I love you. 

          "But they kept calling out, saying, "Crucify, crucify Him!" " (Luke 23:21)

          I love you. 

          "And Jesus, crying out with a loud voice, said, "Father, into Your hands I commit my spirit." Having said this, He breathed His last." (Luke 23:46)

          I love you. 

          It is such a crazy, mind-blowing thought... that He loves me. That He came in the form of a man, was beaten and killed and raised again from the dead - all for me. I cannot begin to fathom such a love. 

          And yet here it is. God is continually pouring out the riches of His grace and love on the thirsty souls of this desperate, broken world. Many are blind, but those of us who have been given eyes to see... how blessed we are! 

          There is nothing that I need - nothing that I can - do to earn His love. Absolutely nothing. It is unconditional and unending. He knows me inside and out, far better than I could ever know myself, and He still loves me endlessly.

          He is my Strength. 

          He is my Joy. 

          He is my Peace. 

          He is my Love. 

          God, help me to never lose sight of that. 

          There isn't time to wallow in self pity. There is a fight to fight, a race to finish! So get up and get at it! Embrace the love that God has bestowed on you and let it strength you and fill you to overflowing. It is a love that is meant to be shared. 

~Riah